Indescriable Feeling
by sarasmind
Summary: Nick is dying and someone cant handle that
1. Chapter 1

Nick sat down in his doctor's waiting room. He had been feeling rough for a few months and he had finally decided to have it checked out.

"_Nick Stokes"_

He rose from the chair and walked over to the consulting room. The doctor offered him a chair across from his.

"_What seems to be the problem?"_

Nick described the hot sweats, the nausea and the sleepless nights. He described the fact that it hurt to eat and in cold weather his chest ache for hours on end. After he had finished describing all of the symptoms he gave the doctor a few seconds to absorb the information he had just been given.

"_We need to take some bloods"_

Nick rolled up his sleeve and allowed the nurse who had entered to draw the blood.

"_Ill put a rush on the results make few hours"_

Nick left the doctors officer and took a seat in the waiting room. He had wanted to see his local doctor but it hadn't had the courage to. The only option he could think of was Desert Palm and that's where he was. Alone and scared. He closed his eyes wishing he was in the lab working a case. He didn't hear his name being called until the nurse was 10 feet away.

"_Nick Stokes"_ she said looking into his eyes

Nick acknowledged the look and made eyes towards the waiting room. The doctor again sat him on the car opposite his.

"_Mr Stokes I am unsure where to begin"_

"_Nick began to think the worst"_

"_Some of the cells in your blood sample didn't test as well as they should of done. With your symptoms it makes it hard for to feel this normal for you. Your blood count is half of what it should be and half of your levels are below par. Your liver function is second to none and your lungs are shot to pieces"_

"_So"_

"_Im afraid to tell you that you might have caner. We need to admit you and perform a biopsy to find the affective tissue"_

"_How long would the process take?"_

"_A few days. If we admit you now the biopsy could be completed by tomorrow and results a few days after"_

"_Can I work while I wait for the results"_

"_I wouldn't advise it after all if it is cancer having a increased work load could make your symptoms worse"_

Nick was beginning to get scared.

"_We can admit you now and have it done by Friday"_

Nick didn't really have a choice. Leave it , it could get worse and maybe be his demise or treat it and see how long left he had.

Nick gestured for the doctor to admit him and get it over with

"_Gladys were going admit Mr Stokes could you get him a gown and find him a unit bed"_

Nick asked if he could make a phone call. Doctor Scribons gestured to the phone box. Nick moved over to the phone and placed a quarter into the macine. He dialled

"_Grissom"_

"_Nick I need a few days off my mum is ill and I want to make sure she gets better"_

"_That shouldn't be a problem how long do you need2_

_Nick thought a bout it _

"_A week max. I think I have a week on the books"_

"_Thanks Griss"_

"_Give her my love"_

Nick looked at the nurse who had fetched him a gown and a wheelchair.

"_I don't need the chair" _

"_If you're sure"_

She walked Nick over to bed 2. The ward was pretty quiet and everyone was asleep. Nick closed his eyes and tried to follow suit.

The nurse work Nick at 8 am and told him his biopsy had been scheduled for 11 am that morning. Nick got up and walked around the ward to give him something to do. The doctor came to see him about 9.30am and told him a nurse would be there to prep him for the surgery within the hour. True to his word she arrived at 10.15. She shut the curtain and asked Nick to pull down his gown. She shaved part of his pubic hair and wheeled him off to theatre. The doctor greeted him by giving him a general anaesthetic. All Nick remembered reaching 8 in the countdown.

He awoke back on the ward a good few hours after the operation.

"Welcome back sleepy head" the nurse said as she passed through his bed.

Nick asked the time and he was told it was a little after 3pm. The nurse asked if she could get him anything. Nick shook his head and the nurse passed by. He was so tired. He closed his eyes and drifted off into the dream world.

When he awoke again it was the morning after. The ward had emptied out fully and Nick was the only patient that remained. He tried to stand up but the pain was too intense. He propped himself up in the bed. He wished that this wasn't happening he wished that they were something that could be done to save him from whatever his fate would be. The doctor entered and asked if he could sit down. Nick gestured to the chair opposite the bed.

"_We found a calcified mass attached to your left kidney. The mass had spread to the lungs and to the heart. Unfortunately we were unable to perform the biopsy"_

"_Im dying" Nick said a little shocked with the statement_

"_Unfortunately yes the caner has spread to your other major organs causing them to begin to fail. _

"_How long"_

"_1 ½ two years max"_

Nick got up out of bed and started to dress.

"Sir I wouldn't recommend that staying here is your best chance of survival"

"What by hooking me up to tubes and machines and making my few months on this Earth hell"

"Sir please"

"I want to go home!"

The doctor understood that this argument would be won easily and let him go.


	2. Chapter 2

Nick walked just as easily out of the hospital and he had come. He hailed a cab and asked for the corner of Matson and third the cab driver did as he was told. The ride was in silence. The journey was over in 20 minutes. Nick paid the cab fare with the little change he had in his pocket.

On the corner of Matson and Third was a bar. Nick walked inside, dumped his coat on the back of the chair and ordered a scotch. 'My_ bodies screwed may as well become an alcoholic'. _He sank the scotch and ordered another. After his tenth scotch he stood up but his legs gave way and he ended up as a crumpled heap on the floor. The bar man helped him to his feet and gently escorted him out of the bar. He caught a taxi and asked for the people who don't give a damn. The taxi driver thought that he was a bit mad so he took him to the police station. As the cab pulled up outside the door opened and he fell out. Nick paid the fare and got out the cab. He walked through the main door and began to stumble up the stair. After misplacing his footing he tripped on the final step landing in a heap in at the reception desk. Right in front of Grissom.

"_Are you OK_" Grissom asked helping him to his feet

"_Fine"_ Nick said with a smirk

"You know that you still have time off booked to the end of the week"

"Don't want it, don't need it"

"_Are you sure I mean it's been a slow week_"

"_I said I don't want it_" Nick was almost shouting. Grissom moved back a pace

"_I'm sorry"_ he said

Nick moved away from Grissom and stumbled up the corridor and placed his coat in his locker. Sitting on the partition he placed his head in his hands.

Grissom had walked into the break room were the others were sitting. Greg was dosing, Sara and Cath were trying to solve the week's latest Time's man of the week and Warrick was lifting weights in the corner. Sara was the first to look up.

"_A penny for them"_

"_I'm sorry" Grissom replied bemused_

"_Your thoughts, you seem a little preoccupied."_

"_Something's wrong"_

"_What do you mean" Cath had turned her head to join in_

"_I don't know it's weird"_

"_Well share it with us maybe we can help" _

"_Nicky" _

"_What about him" Warrick said returning his weight to the backdrop they had come from"_

"_He's drunk"_

"_Well that's natural behaviour for a man of his age" Catherine pipped up_

"_That's not it, its 11.30 am and if he was drunk from last night he must have had a least 10- 20 pints"_

"_I see what you're trying to say" Sara said "You think that he has been drinking this morning"_

"_Something like that I don't know it's totally out of character for him"_

"_Well maybe he had a bad day" _

"_Its not that its something else, he was hostile he was angry over something"_

"_Maybe it's just a bad day"_ Cath concluded

"_Yeah maybe, Maybe"_

"Nick joined them in the break room

"Hi Guys" Nick said before hiccupping right in front of Sara

"Hi. How are you"

"Fantastic, couldn't be better"

Nick collapsed on the couch and started singing the theme song from Mash. Grissom shot a glance at Catherine. Catherine acknowledged this and moved over to speak to Nick

"_Nicky"_

"_what can I do for you sexy lady"_

"_How much have you had to drink today?"_

"_Not a drop I swear_" Nick said rolling into Catherine and immediate falling off the couch. _"Not a drop_"

Catherine suggested that Grissom should speak to him

"_Nicky I'm gonna have Catherine drive you home"_

"_But im fine" Nicky was beginning to shout_

"_Nick your drunk"_

"_I'm not"_

"_Nick you stink of alcohol, your breath smells, you smell"_

"_Shut up"_

"_Nick your drunk now sit down"_

"_You going to make me tough guy" _Nick's aggressive was continuing

Warrick stepped in front of Grissom

"_You wanna start on me tough guy" _Warrick looked at him sizing him up

"Bring it on"

Nick threw the first punch at Warrick. Warrick ducked and he hit Sara instead. Warrick wrestled him to the ground and pined down his arms. Nick tried to struggle free but Warrick's grip was stronger than he was.

"You ok" Warrick asked Sara

"Ill be fine absolutely fine"

Catherine fetched her ice bag to place on her eye but she could already see a bruise appearing.

"_Now calm down" _Warrick shouted at Nick while releasing him from his grip.

Nick ran straight out of the room.

"_I'm beginning to think Grissom was right"_

"_First time for everything" Warrick said trying to break the tension in the room_

"_One of us should go and talk to him"_

Grissom could tell by the look on their faces that none of them wanted to go. Greg was still asleep, Warrick was trying to calm down, Catherine was helping Sara as of yet still hadn't stopped shaking. He knew it would be him. Grissom left the room and walked a round trying to locate Nick. His first point of call was the locker room, then the AV lab. After 10 minutes of trying he found him underneath a table in the evidence lab.

"_May I_" Grissom said with a cautioning look

Nick gestured and Grissom sat down in front of him. Grissom stated

"I'm sorry Nick, I shouldn't have tried to push you and accuse you of being drunk and for that im truly sorry"

Grissom gestured out towards Nick. Nick smiled and began to speak

"Im sorry, im just having a bad day, is Sara ok"

"She's fine worried about you we all are"

"I know and I shouldn't of blown off like that and im sorry, truth is I am drunk, I have had 7 shots of scotch trying to block out the pain"

"Nicky what's wrong, you know you can always talk to me"

"Can us all talk together I think that would be best"

"Sure"

Grissom helped Nick up and they made there way back to the break room. When they arrived Greg was awake surprised that he had slept through all the commotion, Warrick was back to lifting weights and Sara was speaking to Catherine. Nick entered and everyone looked round

"Guys im sorry I didn't mean to hurt any of you and im sorry" Nick's voice began to trail off

"Truth is I went to the doctors last night. I have been feeling sick and tired for sometime. He drew some blood. My blood count was a little on the abnormal side some of my cells weren't functioning properly. I think he called it exploratory surgery"

Everyone in the room was listening intently. They were scared really scared

"He found several tumours in my liver which have passed to my heart and lungs. They were unable to complete the biopsy. He said that by the look of things the cancer was spreading and that there was no hope for recovery"

The room feel silent. No one moved or approached Nick. Everyone was crying.

"_How long"_ Catherine asked

"_A year maybe more who knows"_

Sara stood up the sound of a door slamming filled the room.


	3. Chapter 3

After Sara's departure everyone had moved over to Nick. Sometimes they were hugs and tears sometimes laughter and thing is Nick didn't want pity. He left everyone to it and began to track down Sara. He found her in the locker room hands over her face. Her big brown eyes had tears flowing from them. Nick sat down beside her, reached over and placed his hand on her leg. Sara placed her hand on top of his.

"_I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that to storm out like that I mean"_

"_That's ok"_

Sara looked at Nick. She looked as cute as she always had done

"_You know what I can't do this, not now"_

"_Sara"_

"_I can't say goodbye not here not yet"_

"_Sara"_

"_I can't this is too soon I can't" _

"_Sara for once this isn't about you!" Nick's words imploded on her system_

Sara ran out of the break room. Nick placed his head in his hands. Greg followed in

"She will be ok"

Nick found Sara sat on a bench outside the CSI lab. He took his coat off and wrapped it round Sara who shrugged it off.

"_I don't need that"_

"_Babe the temps -5 out here you'll catch your death"_

"_I don't care about me I care about you"_

Nick looked at her and caught her eyes. Luckily her eye hadn't bruised

"_I care about you"_

Sara placed her head on Nick's chest and Nick began to stroke her hair

"_Im sorry about before I wasn't thinking I was thinking of myself again"_

"_That doesn't matter"_

"_It does and im sorry" _

Sara moved out of Nick's chest and turned to face him.

"_Truth is I can't bear the thought of losing you, you mean everything to me"_

Nick turned and moved into Sara's face. He wasn't expecting to kiss her just look into her deep hazel eyes and tell her everything would be ok. As he looked at her more and more he couldn't help it. He wanted her so badly. As there lips touched the kiss felt like it was meant to be. Sara broke the kiss.

"_Im sorry that shouldn't have happened im sorry" Sara jumped up leaving his coat on the floor_

"_Hey…." _

"_No im sorry"_

With that she ran back into the building. Nick thought about chasing after her but with her speed he seriously doubted it.

Nick picked up his coat and re-entered the building. The next thing he knew his head hit the floor.

Funny thing memories. Some you want to remember and some you don't. When Warrick told Sara they were going to see Nick Sara's response was a little invasive

"_Hey hun were on our way to see Nick if you want to come with"_

"_Yeah I got to finish this for Ecklie he wants it on his desk by close of play"_

"_Sara"_

"_I know ill be there just give me an hour" _Sara's voice turned to sadness

"_Sara"_

"_I know ill be there"_

Warrick left the room. Sara could feel herself shaking. She tried to stop the tears from shaking but nothing could. She placed her head in her hands. Warrick watched her as she cried.


	4. Chapter 4

It was 3 hours since Nick had fallen in the corridor. The doctor described it as a black out. A short circuit in his system. The cold might have closed down his chest making him slip into unconsciousness. The doctor told them that he was fine apart from a concussion and could go home in a few hours. Nick awoke to find practically the whole of the CSI night shift at his bedside with one expectation.

Catherine spoke first

"_How you feeling"_

"_Sore, light headed"_

Everyone was glad to see he was awake

"_Sara"_

Warrick spoke

"_She got called out to a case but she sends her love"_

Warrick looked round at the rest of the group. Nick nodded. Nurse Watson nodded and noted that Nick needed his rest and that they come back in a few hours. As Nick began to dose off he could have sworn he heard the words beauty sleep.

Nick awoke slowly unaware as to how long he had slept for.

"_Nice to see you to"_

"_How long have you been there?"_

"_A few hours"_

"_Why didn't you wake me?"_

"_You looked so peaceful didn't think it was fair to wake you"_

Sara caught his eyes

"_About before"_

"_What about it"_

"_Im sorry I didn't mean to take advantage…."_

"_You didn't and you don't need to be sorry"_

Sara moved towards Nick her hand on his stomach. Nick pulled her close and she rested her head on his chest. Nick began to stroke her hair while Sara played with his stomach. After a few minutes she looked up. There eyes met. Nick pulled Sara closer to him and looked deep into her eyes

"_We will get thought this"_

A few hours after waking Nick were discharged from the hospital. Sara drove him home and offered to stay the night. Nick agreed and in truth he was glad of the company. While Nick was assembling his belongs Sara moved out into the hall to explain the situation to the rest of the team via phone. When she returned she placed Nick in a wheelchair her orders and wheeled him to the car. The drive home was silent apart from the odd car stereo driving by. They reached the apartment and Sara slid out and help Nick out of the car safely. She locked up and helped him in to the house until he was sat down on the couch

"_You don't need to do that"_

"_That's what friends are for"_

"_If anything we will always be more than friends"_

Sara began to rummage through Nick's cupboards where she found a half eaten bar of chocolate, a stir fry and an assortment of sandwich fillings. Another draw provided her with a variety of take out menus. Sara suggested they order in a Nick offered no objection. Sara jumped onto the couch and pushed a handful of take out menus in front of him. The pair ordered from Party part. A Chinese a few blocks away. The food arrived and Sara arranged it onto plates.

"_You going to tell your folks"_

"_I have to. There going to be upset"_

Sara looked across at him as Nick set his plate on the glass table

"_We need to talk"_

Sara followed suit

"_Sure"_

"_This morning"_

"_What about it" _Sara jumped

"_We kissed"_

"_I know…._

"_Before you say anything I know you think you can't take advantage believe me you not"_

Nick looked at her

"_Truth is told Sara I have always like you. I come into work just to see your smiling face. I think of you first in the morning and last thing at night and you fill my dreams"_

Nick stood up and moved in front of her. He knelled

"_I want us to make a go of this I don't want you to spend the rest of your life wondering"_

Sara slid off the couch and moved to him

"_We can't do this"_

"_We can at least try I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering about what if's"_

"_Babe this can't happen I ended up falling…."_

"_I know"_

Nick pushed his nose in Sara's face. There eyes met

"_Sara I think im in love with you"_

Sara pushed his face up and kissed him. A sweet long kiss that lasted a few seconds. Nick kissed her back softer and sweeter

"_Like you said we can always try" _Sara said

Nick awoke to find himself sleeping on the couch. Sara had vanished and left him a note which stated. Gone to work sleeping beauty my entire love S x

Nick awoke and showered. He changed and made his way into work. He had a meeting with Ecklie scheduled for 12 pm and a doctor's appointment scheduled for 3. He arrived for the meeting in plenty of time and made his way to his office and knocked.

"_Come" the voice boomed from behind the door_

"_Stokes take a seat"_

"_I need to resign as a member of the Las Vegas Law enforcement"_

Ecklie looked a little shocked and asked for a reason why

"_Im dying, cancer has a year and a half tops to live. The doctor says ill get much worse. So I can't work"_

Ecklie accepted the resignation and shook the young mans hand and told him to work his notice

"_It's a pleasure to have known you"_

The meeting with Ecklie took a little less time then Nick thought it would. While he was he went in search of Sara. He found her in the locker room. He move behind her and placed his hands around her stomach

"_Good morning to you to Mr Stokes"_

Sara turned and kissed him slowly on the lips

"_What time did you leave me this morning?"_

"_Around 5"_

"_You should have woken me"_

"_No need"_

Sara broke out of the grip and sat down

"_How did it go with Ecklie I Mean?"_

"_As well as could be expected he accepted my resignation if that's what you mean"_

Sara turned to face him.

"_I meant how you feel"_

"_A little sad I guess. This place has been my life for the last 10 years it's kind of hard to say goodbye. _

Sara pulled him close to her and she felt his tears on her chest.


	5. Chapter 5

Nick made it to his doctor's appointment. After this morning Sara had taken him for a coffee and chat. Sara was wonderful, sweet, talented, kind and wonderful. Sara had offered to go him but Nick declined the request saying he had to do this on his own.

"_Nick Stokes"_

He made his way to the little room which was offset from the rest.

"_Hello Mr Stokes how are we today? I heard that you were admitted after you blacked out is that correct?"_

Nick nodded

"_The notes detail that you have cancer"_

Oh there it was that work again Cancer

"_Are you in a lot of pain?" _

"_A bit it comes and goes"_

"_Sickness nausea"_

"_Nausea yes but no sickness"_

"_You tired?" _

"_Sometimes"_

The questioning went on for half an hour. Nick answered the questions with yes, no answers.

"_I am afraid your cancer is untreatable making the use of a transplant worthless. I can prescribe you a course of drugs to help with any pain and sickness you might have. Unfortunately these do come with there own side affects"_

"_Such as "_

"_Dioherra, loss of appetite"_

"_The usual then"_

"_Sir these tablets are very strong and should be taken moderately"_

He gave Nick the prescription up which he filled at the hospital pharmacy.

The plane arrived in Texas at 11.20 am. Nick took a cab to his mum's house. He knocked on the door. He was unaware how you approach this situation. How can he tell his mum he is dying?

"_Hey come on in"_

She ushered him inside and asked if he wanted coffee which he declined. She offered him a chair.

"_So this is a nice surprise"_

"_Felt a visit was overdue"_

"_How have you been keeping?"_

"_Im OK, Mum we need to talk"_

"_Sure"_

Nick was scared physically scared. He didn't know how to approach this never had done. Should he just come out and say it or soften the blow. In the end he decided to come out and say it

"_Mum I had to go the doctor's the other day"_

"_Is everything ok?"_

"_Not exactly. I went as I had been feeling tired and sick for quite time. They took some bloods and the results came back" _

"_Nicky what's wrong?"_

"_Mum I have cancer. It started in my liver and has moved away to my heart and started to attack my lungs"_

"_Well surely they can do something what about a transplant"_

"_Mum its spread to far it cant be stopped. Im going to die" _

Nick looked over at his mum tears had begun to fall from her eyes. Nick looked at her how he wished this wasn't happening how he wished he didn't have to do this

"_You can come and live with me I can get your old room ready and I can get…."_She said in a hurry whilst trying to be protective of her son.

He moved over to his mum and held her tight. She began to cry and once the tears had started they wouldn't stop. She was so sad

"_Im sorry mum"_

"_Oh baby it's not your fault this shouldn't of happened to you. I want you to stay with me I want to be able to look after you"_

"_Mum my life is in Vegas. All my friends are there and there's a special friend. Mum she's beautiful, kind, sweet, witty caring"_

"_She sounds nice"_

"_She is. She's amazing"_

"_When can I come and visit"_

Nick let out a smirk

He had spent the night in Texas partly to see if his mum was OK and partly by her asking him to stay the night. The plan touched down in Vegas at 7am. He found the car he had parked at the airport. He put the keys in the lock and began the drive to Odessa Park. He knocked on the door a few times before he got a response.

"_All right, all right hold your horses"_

Sara opened the door. She looked beautiful in the pink pyjama set that Nick had brought her last Christmas.

"_Did I wake you?"_

"_Your ok I was only dosing"_ Sara said with a yawn

Nick began to cry Sara pulled him into a hug. She left him for a while and ushered him inside. He put his head on her legs.

"_Im sorry honey"_

"_Hey hey it's ok"_

Sara placed her hands on his head and began to stroke his hair. Nick continued crying and he couldn't stop.

"_It's ok, shhh it's ok, im here"_ Sara repeated over and over again

Sara flipped over his head

"_Im here for you and I will always be here"_

Sara let him cry for a while longer stroking his hair every couple of seconds. All of a sudden the noise stopped. She turned her face to look at his. He was fast asleep. She reached over to the end of the couch and pulled a blanket over him. She tried to place him in a comfortable position before closing her eyes and falling asleep herself.


	6. Chapter 6

Nick awoke 4 hours later. He was unsure as to where he was. He turned over to find Sara sat bolt upright but fast asleep. Nick got up from off her legs and placed her down on the couch. Sara didn't stir once. He covered her with the blanket and made a phone call.

"_Yes I'd like to make an appointment to see Henrik Rooder, 3pm Monday yeah that's fine"_

Nick replaced the handset. He went back over to the couch and lifted up Sara's head. She stirred just a little and turned onto her stomach.

"_I didn't mean to wake you"_

"_Its ok I had a nice surprise to wake up to" _Sara said stretching out her legs. She looked at Nick and reached up and kissed him. She looked a little confused as to how she had ended up in this position

"_You want some coffee" _

"_Sure"_

Sara got up and put on the coffee pot.

"_I have been thinking if you need a kidney or a liver you can have mine"_

"_Sweetie that can't happen"_

"_Why not there making miraculous advances in medicine who said this cant work"_

Nick stood up and moved behind the counter to join Sara. He held her

"_Me"_

Sara broke the hug and moved to the other side of the kitchen

"_Its worth asking about its worth trying"_

"_Sara" _

"_You could always ask"_

"_Sara" _Nickshouted _"Im dying for crying out loud, im dying. Put me on a waiting list for a transplant is not going to help._ Nick was still shouting

Sara's face fell she hadn't really accepted he was properly yet and shouting was not helping. She looked Nick in the eye. She could sense the fear in his eyes. She picked up her keys and walked straight out of house. Nick turned to the coffee cup and smashed it up against the wall.

Half an hour later Nick had calmed down. After Sara had stormed out Nick had begun to feel very guilty. He needed to see her explain. He picked up his cell and dialled her number but all he got was voice mail. He left her a message but so far he had , had no reply. He decided to the lab. She was working today he knew she was. After the other day Grissom had given him two weeks off to come to terms with death but Nick knew it was going to take a lot longer than that. As he approached the lab he asked Judy the receptionist if Sara was around he had just missed her she was out. Warrick approached behind him.

"_Hey man how you doing"_

"_Im ok the cancer's keeping me busy"_

Warrick let out a smirk

"_You want a coffee"_

Nick nodded and followed Warrick into the break room. Warrick poured him a cup and took it over to him.

"_How you been keeping"_

"_Im ok"_

"_Look man I want to say sorry for the other day"_

"_That's ok my fault I kind of started it"_

"_I gripped you to hard"_

"_Look man im sorry"_

"_Look if anyone is saying to anyone then I think it should be Sara"_

Warrick was right he punched her in the face. He had meant to hit Warrick but he moved and he ended up taking his aggression out on Sara.

Another half an hour past and Nick said he had to press on. He said his goodbye to Warrick and managed to get across the car park. He saw Sara in the parking lot

"_Sara_" she made no move towards him and no move turn round. Instead she stopped dead

"_Sara"_

"_Ill wait inside"_ Cath said

Nick moved towards her and stood in front of her

"_Im sorry"_

"_You think sorry's enough. I was right I can't do this I can't stand here and watch the man I love die, I can't and im sorry if that affects your life plan but I cant do this. You know what please just leave me alone"_

Sara moved away from him and went back inside.

"_Sara"_

"_Sara"_

No matter how many times he called her name she didn't turn around. Catherine found her hiding in the break room

"_You don't have to hide"_

"_Im not hiding"_

"_Coffee?"_

"_No thanks" _

"_You want to talk about it"_

"_Nothing to talk about"_

"_You seem upset"_

"_What else is new?" _

Catherine smirked a little at the remark. She turned to Sara and said

"_You know if you ever want to talk im here"_

Cath exited the room and Sara began to cry


	7. Chapter 7

Nick arrived home 40 minutes later. She was right and he knew she was. They would be watching him die and couldn't live like that. She said she couldn't do it and he didn't blame her. He wanted her to love him not have to nurse him. Something had to be done and now. He reached into his trouser pocket and pulled out the prescription of vallium that he had been prescribed eailer. He went into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water and swallowed all 40 tablets in one go.


	8. Chapter 8

Sara couldn't get out of the room quick enough. She jumped into her Tahoe and pulled down the mirror. Her cheek still stung really sung. She wiped away a few tears and put the keys in the ignition and drove to work.

As she jumped out of the Tahoe she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. He cheek had begun to bruise and was still red raw. She walked over into the building up the stairs where she bumped into Grissom. The first thing Grissom noticed was Sara's cheek.

"_What happened to your face?"_

"_Nick was admitted to Desert Palm last night. He tried to end it all. He od'ed on pain medicine. I told him I was staying until we sorted out why he did this, he got angry and this is the end result"_

"_You ok"_

"_Yeah I will be when is stop shaking, its nothing ive not encountered before besides I just wanna be on my own"_

"_The Martyens case is up for review next week you could go through the evidence for me"_

"_Thank you_


	9. Chapter 9

The next thing Nick knew was a presence in the door way. He turned and looked at his face. He so it was Sara. He was sad. It was Grisssom

"_How's Sara" _Nick said eagerly

"_She's a little shaken and scared. She will be ok"_

"_I want to see her I want to say im sorry"_

"_Nick your hurt her physically hurt her and not for the first time"_

"_I known and I hate myself"_

"_Ecklie says I should terminate contract now he says he doesn't feel that your coping"_

"_Please im sorry this was stupid"_

"_How do I know that? How do I know you won't do something like this again?"_

"_Trust me"_

"_Can I ask why you did it?"_

"_Sara told me that she couldn't watch me die and I thought I wouldn't let anyone watch"_

"_Why"_

"_I don't know, I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I don't want that life. I don't want to get up one morning and not being able to dress feed me. I don't want to wake up one morning and find that I can't get out of bed. I don't want that for anyone especially Sara"_

"_What is it with you and Sara?"_

Nick looked inside himself. What is it with him and Sara he knew what he would like it to be but as this moment they were no where near his ideal

"_Friends just good friends"_

"_Have you thought about how she might be feeling? She's scared. She has already watched one person in her life die and she fees that she can't do that again. She knows what it's like she doesn't want to get hurt again"_

"_I can't stop that from happening"_

"_I know"_


	10. Chapter 10

A few hours later the doctor's discharged Nick on the condition he had plenty of bed rest. Grissom offered him somewhere to stay but he declined the offer. He had someone to see. He pulled up outside Odessa drive and cautiously walked up the steps sacred as to what he might find. He wanted her to know how sorry he was how honestly sorry he was. He knew she wouldn't listen. All he wanted to do was take her in his arms and hold her tight and tell her how much he loved her. Tell how much he wanted to be with her and how much she meant to him. He knocked on the door. Sara answered in a smart jeans and jacket combo. The first thing Nick noticed was Sara's bruised cheeks. It was all black and red. Nick began to feel worse. How could he have done that to her the women he loved with all his heart

"_Before you say anything I know that you can't forgive me and I know there is nothing I can do to make it right. Im sorry that I hurt you baby im really sorry and I hope that some day you will be able to forgive me. Im sorry I hurt you"_

Nick began to walk away. If Sara wanted him back she had to do something and she had to do it now. She moved forward and placed her hand on Nicks shoulder.

"_This doesn't matter to me, all it is a vent of anger and right now I know that you're really angry. I know that your having trouble understanding this and I can see why but I want use to do this together not apart. I don't care if you're living in 10 ft of snow or loose your right leg I want to be with you. We could have something special here and I don't want to miss this chance"_

Nick moved forward and kisses her more intensely than before. After a few minutes Sara asked

"_You want to come in for coffee"_

Sara turned to move inside and Nick grabbed her form behind he carried her though the door and threw her down on the couch. Nick jumped on her and began to tickle her furiously. Sara began to giggle. After 5 minutes Sara gave in

"_I give I give"_

Nicked placed himself on top of her and kissed her intensely.

After a hour of trying to catch there breathe Nick spoke

"_You know im going to get worse"_

"_I know that and I will be here with you"_

"_I can't ask you to do that"_

"_Why not"_

"_Because"_

"_This isn't your decision im going to be with you every step of the way"_


	11. Chapter 11

Nick's phone began to ring. He opened it up and answered.

"_Hi mum, yeah im free next Saturday why, yeah ill invite the team, ok see you then"_

"_Everything ok"_ Sara asked "_Because I can get you on the next plain to Texas all you have to do is ask"_

Nick kissed her

"_She's coming her; next Saturday invited you and the team out for dinner"_

Greg, Warrick and Catherine were discussing a when the conversation turned over to Nick

"_There must be something we can do hold a party, chauffeur him to a from hospital what"_ Greg started

"_What he did do was call to invite us to dinner on Saturday night Cher Piette apparently he wants us to meet his mum" Warrick said_

Grissom walked in

"_I remember the first day he started egar to please would do anything for anyone"_

"_Still does" _Catherine chuckled

"_That's it" _Greg said

"_What" _Warrick Asked

"_We go on holiday, look I know Ecklie wont give us off time off at the same time but lets take it to him"_

"_That's a great idea we can have cocktails and a night out"_

"_I think that would mean the world to him"_ Grissom said

Nick mum arrived on the early morning flight from Texas. Nick was there welcome her. He spent the beginning of the afternoon showing her his apartment and the lab where he used of his time. The dinner reservations had been made for 7 and for 4pm. Nick showed his mum home and allowed her to change and freshen up before dinner. Nick drove to the restaurant although his mum him that it would be better to get a cab but Nick was having none of it. They entered the foyer and meet the rest of CSI. Each took it turns to introduce them. Nick booked them in and they were shown to the table. Nick made sure he sat next to Sara.

"_Thank you for inviting us for dinner Mrs Stokes we gratefully appreciate the offer and can't tell how you how much this means to us" _Sara stated


End file.
